Right now I'm frying a chicken breast because I'm SO hungry!
I guess I've had too much excitement today ...
May 2001 Archives
That's my life - a series of beginnings ...
Well, here begins another: tomorrow I'm going to ask Ernest about getting into photography and used equipment. I'm also going to make a concerted effort to get into Parsons by January 2002. I'm transforming again into an even better, more expressive, more successful, more creative me.
Photography + Writing + Graphic Design + Web Design = Digital Design & Content
Current Mood: productive
How important is my life?
Am I getting closer to really living my life, or have I only actualized a decoy and not my true self, as I have led others to believe?
There are no pictures that I've taken hanging on my walls. No books that I've written on my shelves. No tracks that I can readily mix to others. I tell myself "not yet" but am I telling the truth as it is or am I succumbing to doubt - anticipating or maybe even searching for the peril in my existence? For years I've dreamt about owning a computer and now I find myself on it constantly but doing what? Deleting messages I don't want and maybe playing a game or two, playing music from the same time in order to relive some vague nostalgia.
I have to begin to live. Now.
Current Mood: pensive
Okay, I'm trying real hard not to let this lack of sunshine get to me! It's been almost a week without any brightness and the gloominess is kinda getting to me. It was difficult to pull myself out of bed, but once I did I was okay. I love selecting a new record every morning to work out to - that really help me get going! I feel good. I am feeling a little anxious about employment, though. The clock is ticking ...
The Fashion Show is not getting on my nerves yet.
Next week Thursday, the GMAD Auxilliary Group (how does that sound?) will meet for the first time. I'm excited by the mix of men who will be gathering. We're gathering at my house, so I need to figure out a couple of things - like chairs and refreshments.
Current Mood: optimistic
Tuesday, May 15th, 2001
10:42 am -
I still feel a little queasy from whatever is going on with my stomach, but I started my morning exercises again. That felt good! I need to do laundry before it takes over my apartment - again.
Still haven't heard from Donald Hayden. It's been almost a week and I'm very disappointed. Well, that makes him a little less attractive. That's probably what he wants anyway - if I'm not as attracted to him, that's less work that he has to put into eluding me. I mean, when a man spurns another man who is clearly announcing attraction, does he really mean it when he says "Maybe we could just be friends?" Nope. Now there IS an art to letting someone down easy, but too often that ease elicits deception. I'm going to start saying, "You know, we don't have to make a false committment of friendship just to save my feelings. I'll get over it. Let's just continue to be nice to each other whenever we see each other."
Current Mood: okay
My home has a nice clean feeling to it. That makes me feel like things are getting better. These floors ARE beautiful! They're GORGEOUS!
I'm thinking that a job is probably more important than school right now. If I can find some way to have both, I'll go for it, but medical benefits are of utmost importance right now. My stomach really gave me a lot of trouble over the past four days, but it feels okay this morning. I hate being out on a limb when I'm feeling sick. I don't want to have to think about going to a doctor - I want to be able to just go! I will have that.
Looking out my window on this starry night
I revel in its mystery, basking in its light
Will I ever be what I'm fated to be
Before my dreams all die with me ...
Wow! What a surprise to run into Donald Hayden last night at Pathmark! *BIG GRIN!*
We got to talk for a while and after shopping, we walked down 125th Street together. I took the opportunity to tell him that I've been attracted to him for years. YES!!!! That felt so good! Almost as good as those hugs! MPH! Whatta man! We'll keep in touch!
Current Mood: energetic
- Resurrect "Blue Lights In The Basement" as an exclusive black-tie affair
- Own and run an Internet cafe and/or a digital design studio in Harlem
- Own a brownstone in Harlem and a home in Trinidad
- DJ at one of my favorite clubs in New York City to a large crowd of all my friends
- DJ in Salvador da Bahia
- DJ here at the Amphitheatre of Mount Morris Park
- Produce a hit house record
- Visit Puget-Ville (founded in the south of France by Les Agarrat - over 500 years ago)
- Compete in capoeira
- Run an online house music station and/or photo gallery
- Attend Sarah's college graduation
- Be married to the man I love and raise children
- Publish a book of my photography
- Finish my story about Chicago
- See GMAD finally get the recognition that the premier Black gay organization in the world should get
- See my family finally come together
Current Mood: contemplative
I'm REALLY enjoying sex with this new guy from Chicago. MPH! It feels like he was made to be inside me! What glorious sex! I was made to have sex like that!
The weather here has been a little cooler, but it's still nice. This weekend, I pushed out about 20 resumes. I've been really trying to limit my response to jobs that I would actually want. A new job is just around the corner.
Last night, I washed almost all of these dishes after I drained the sink. I also cleaned the sink in the bathroom. They both work as they should. Now I feel like I want to clean everything else, too. I like this feeling.
I'm still doing crunches and push-ups the first thing in the morning. I've been concentrated - especially with keeping my back straight during the push-ups. Very important! Now, I just put a record on - I don't even have to turn my computer on for music to work out to! Progress!
Current Mood: good
I really miss being able to spend money (and being able to pay my bills) without really thinking about it. I know I really need to learn to save for a rainy day - I've seen too many rainy days that I haven't saved for. I need to find a job soon. Rochelle and Shirletta gave me a ride from Pathmark yesterday and were very impressed with my block. I am too; I really love where I live and I need to keep it.
I would love to go to this upcoming GMAD conference at Brown University, but everything is about limited funds these days. I am going to look into it tonight when I go to the Friday Night Forum.
It's hard not to mention how good I look and feel! Yesterday, I showed off and wore my capoeira pants down 125th on the way to the gym. I felt so powerful, like Wonder Woman! I just revel in the fact that I know I'm fucking with people's ideals of what is and is not beautiful Black male sexuality. No one can help but look at my ass in those pants - men and women! *LOL!* I just love it!
Current Mood: anxious
I think I might have a good thing going here. I wake up in the morning and do some push-ups and some crunches. That makes me feel really good! Leaving the snacks (and soda) alone would give me even more results. Well, it's gotten so hot here that you can help but drink lots of water, so that helps! *grin!*
I like where this is going and what I'm building. It's so easy for me to fall into The Abyss of Depression and so difficult to reach escape velocity out of it, so these past three days have been special. I want to push myself to achieve, but I also want to infuse my world with quiet confidence and satisfaction. I refuse to be stressed out. I want to live well. Shit, it's the summer ...
I feel good about what I bring to the world. It's love.
Current Mood: satisfied
Got up early this morning and exercised. It's going to be such a beautiful day - it's hot already. The theme for today is cool and urbane. I'm dropping a resume off at Hearst Magazine for O Magazine, and maybe a couple of other places.
The GMAD Fashion Show meeting was cool, even though I've been utterly left out of the mix. I'm going to try to infuse as much creativity into what I've been given. It sure was nice seeing Donald Credle and his fine self! What I wouldn't give to lay my head on that chest just once, but he doesn't even know that I'm alive. Well, no kamikaze missions - attraction that is not mutual is frivolous and silly. We left GMAD together. Our conversation was so strained; maybe I was trying too hard. Walking west down 125th Street we ran into an associate of his, a pretty former model named Collette. She asked me if I was a model! I was exasperated! I mean, my hair looked fierce, but I was just bumming around in some jeans and a T-shirt! What a compliment! Well, Fifth Avenue is my runway today! *LOL!*
"I look good! They love me, they hate me, but they all say, 'She looks good, though! You gotta admit it!'"
Current Mood: determined
I'm glad I wrote that list last night! Because of it, I began May by getting up this morning and doing the exercises that I said I wanted to do. I'm continuing to process that list - there will surely be other lists as well. A little bit of progress always feels good.
I still need to finish my hair, so I may not push my resumes out until tomorrow. The next time I go outside, I'm going to look fabulous!
Current Mood: optimistic
