Yesterday wasn't as drama-filled as I thought it would be. We had a wonderful time and the food was off the hook. I was reluctant to take a picture with the rest of the men in the family, but I did it. Looking FIERCE in red and black! So, I'll be on my way back to New York in a few hours, racing back to go see Sandra St. Victor tonight at Joe's Pub at 8pm. Sure wish I had a husband to bring the New Year in with, but right now I'll just settle for some good dick!
December 2001 Archives
This morning I'm blogging from my brother-in-law's house in Reston, Virginia. My sister Lesley is really doin' it - she just married a fantastic man. I'm especially proud of this fact seeing that we come from a family full of men that ain't shit and women who feel they don't deserve real men. Our mother has been the exception and the jealousy of her brothers and sisters kept her from having a relationship with Lesley, until now. So that's why today will be a day filled with joy and tears ... and some more drama. I have an uncle who has suddenly insinuated himself into my mother's life and into this celebration. Most of my family has been invited to this dinner tonight and I think some shit is 'bout to go down. My mother thrives on drama and loves an audience. I'm going to be looking FIERCE with the front row seat! *LOL!*
Child, we went through some drama here on Christmas Eve that PROVES how trifling white people can be! TRIFLIN'! Anyway, now that we're over that, we're all abuzz here preparing for my big sister Lesley's wedding dinner on Saturday. I'm going to make my world-famous Candied Yams, Macaroni & Cheese and Hot Spiced Apple Cider.
As the year ends, a clean house is in order.
It's Christmas Eve and I'm with my family in Maryland. Bernard drove me down - he happened to be visiting this guy from Baltimore. Bernard is such a sweet guy. The ride down was nice - we listened to CDs and chit-chatted while we deciphered Darren's directions! Lucky for him he's cute! *LOL!* Anyway, they dropped me off and I hung out with my sisters Rachel and Lesley for a bit before crashing. The first thing I heard this morning was my niece asking for her Christmas presents. I love that little girl, but I'm worried ...
The Blues on Saturday was VERY cute! Not a whole lot of people - maybe about 15-20, but we had a good time. Well, I can only speak for myself. I made sure I got my slow drag on, even if it required some Intense Erection Management! *grin!* I can't wait to do it again ...
It's gonna be a beautiful night! We're going to have a great time!
The anticipation of accomplishment is a wonderful motivator, isn't it? *grin!*
I'm truly revelling in the fantasy created by these blue lights and these insinuating love songs! If only I could wrap my life up in blue Saran Wrap to make it look prettier and feel more festive. If life were only that simple ... *sigh*
I think I'm depressed now, but as I ponder that I wonder if my life would be as interesting if not for the constant shuttling between depression and exhiliration, between frustration and fulfillment, between frightening doubt and zealous ambition ...
Yes, I am depressed, but I think I'm managing it well. I brought this year in with a month-long hospital stay *frown!* that shaved inches OFF of my torso *smile!* ... but alas, they are coming back *frown!* I'm feeling overweight and unattractive and I hate it. I can't afford to go back to the gym right now, either. I haven't been taking good care of myself either and I know it. So tonight, I'm starting with a sumptuous bath of milk and oatmeal to exfoliate all these dead skin cells. Then I'm going to wash my hair and give myself a DEEP conditioner. Then I'll shave and give myself a facial with Noxema and apricot kernel scrub. Then, I'll be ready for the next episode in this battle of the bulge, considering my diet. I want to be utterly beautiful this Saturday, but I know that it has to go deeper than that ...
Because I'm an Official Victim of The Tragedy, Tom Joyner gave me $100 today. Yay! You know I pushed one of my resumes in his hand, too. Rev. Al told me to drop one off at his office, too. And yesterday, I got ourblog ourblog off the ground. That's a collaborative blog of Black gay men from across the Diaspora, around the world. It is fierce!
Yes, I'm smiling today; I sure got what I needed! *grin!*
I achieved SUCH an important accomplshment yesterday; I FINALLY drafted a Web Design Contract to present to potential clients. I'm very proud of it! Maybe now that I have that, some work will start coming my way, right? Ah, the smell of utter professionalism!
Now, I think that what I'm providing with this Blue Lights In The Basement party is worth a measly goddamn trifling RSVP! Using E-vite is not THAT difficult. It is really irritating me to see SO many people NOT respond! It really looks like they don't want to be bothered. I really wish they would do something if they are bothered like either reply "No" or remove themselves from the list altogether. That is ALWAYS an option because I sure don't want to be a bother. Maybe next year, I should concentrate on being invited instead of inviting. It will give my face a rest from being so fixed up when all I'm trying to do is bring people together to have a good time. *rolls eyes!*
Sometimes a light shines through my sister's xenophobia. We're both Pisces, but she's my very opposite - super-aggressive (but occasionally super-sensitive) Straight Woman to my super-sensitive (but occasionally super-aggressive) Gay Man. Rachel calls me yesterday and we're chitchatting about little stuff - one minute she's mad that her admin isn't jumping to her every command, the next minute she's cursing out the 7-Eleven guy, the next she's cursing out her Muslim boyfriend. I'm not relating to any of it. If she didn't have Sarah bringing some happiness into her life, I'd be worried. But out of the blue, while talking about her boyfriend, she says "Some people use religion to say they believe one thing when all the while, they're doing something else. My religion is what I do. My religion is what you see me doing ..."
Zun, Ich bin glücklich, daß ich Sie traf. Wir erhalten nahe ...
Around 12:30pm, my good buddy Bernard invited me to go see Alvin Ailey at the last minute - for a 3pm show. For about an hour, depression got the best of me and I made no move to get ready. Once I got over that, I quickly got ready and went scurrying around my apartment for $1.50 to get on the train. Found it, and left the house at 2:10pm to go catch a crosstown bus to the A train. Mistake No. 1 - You cannot transfer from the bus to the train with a bus transfer, only with a Metrocard. I went to the token booth for assistance. Mistake No. 2 - Token Booth Clerks will always show their ass and not give a fuck when you have are having trouble and have someplace to be in less than half an hour. Finally after ignoring me for about 10 minutes, the Token Booth Clerk told me to go find a cop. Mistake No. 3 - Cops NEVER give a fuck. Period. There were two cops inside beyond the turnstiles, about 30 feet away. I called out to them and they asked me what I wanted. Didn't even LOOK like they were trying to come and assist me. So, after bombing them out for about another 5 minutes for making me shout like that, one of the cops tells me to just go through the gate. It took some work to get beyond how fucked up this experience was making me feel, but I did it as the train shuttled me between 125th and 59th Streets. I arrived at City Center at about 2:55pm just as everyone was making their way inside. Bernard was there waiting for me, chatting on his cellie. It was my first time seeing Alvin Ailey, although I had seen snippets of "Revelations" on television. I had a magnificent time! I'm SO glad I made it ...
Billie just reminded me that Melanie Thornton passed away on November 30. She was the lead singer for LaBouche - they had the hits "Sweet Dreams" and "Be My Lover" and her solo album (ominously titled "Ready To Fly") just came out - the same day that she died in a plane crash in Zurich. How frightening ...
These moments are all we really have.
This morning I sent out the e-vite to my Blue Lights In The Basement party. That should be FIERCE! I'm sure that I'm not the only one who hasn't enjoyed a slow drag in a long time ... and I KNOW that I'm not the only brother that needs some Emotional Disaster Relief!
Billie Ray Martin's online shop, BillieRayMart, opened today! Go! Shop! Discover! Feel!
GMAD's Angel Awards happened last night at The Theatre of Riverside Church. It was truly a phenomenal production and a momentous event. Too bad it was used like a common whore to further someone's personal political alliances instead of focusing on honoring those people in OUR community that have made a difference. Maybe next year it will be just as fabulous - with its spirit intact ...
In other GMAD news, I had an interview today for a position at the New York State Black Gay Network! Yay! It's an administrative position, but all parties understand that this situation would be temporary. Plus, it's a chance to work at GMAD! I'm trying to focus on the positive, but The Depths of Desperation have brought me to this. Oh, Gordon said that I looked FIERCE yesterday AND today! I really value his opinion.
Okay, last night I listened to enough Linda Jones for an entire week! She's powerful; you have to take her in small doses! *LOL!* Well, there's no crime in wanting to be in love, and Carlos is such a fine man, too. But in accepting things as they are, I'm focusing on making this wonderful man a good friend - with no ulterior motives or the expectation of certain end results. And that's what he wants to be! That SHOULD have been my focus anyway (a husband needs to be a friend FIRST, right?), but it's hard for a Piscean being alone this time of year.
Anyway, I'm going to take this precise facial hair on the road today and beat the pavement into submission until I have me a job, or until I get tired, or until it gets too cold. Or until I meet somebody cute. Whichever comes first. And I STILL smell good! Even if that hussy STILL hasn't written me back ...
I just fell asleep listening to Rachelle Ferrell, woke back up and saw that I had some new e-mail. Someway, somehow, RuPaul KNOWS that I smell good! As Harmonica Sunbeam would say, I'm GASPAGATING!!! This is REALLY fucking with my sense of reality! Maybe it's some kind of conspiracy - wait a minute, I DID see my friend Stephen Winter today! Hmmmm ... Oh, wait a minute - Carlos also took me up in the Hangar Bar after we had brunch at Day-O. RuPaul could have EASILY been incognegro up in there, sitting down, perched! I really need contacts to go up into such dark spaces ...
After a wonderful day spent together, I welcome Carlos into my life as a friend. It was also wonderful meeting The Other Steven Williams (the one that DOESN'T hate my guts). The search continues ... *sigh*
Damn, I'm just realizing that I'm about to break one of Darrell's Dating Rules - this afternoon I'm having my first date with Carlos at Day-O! Smack dab in the middle of a restaurant FILLED with attractive Black gay men beside me! What the fuck am I doing? I'm SO NERVOUS!!! I just got in from doing my laundry, so now I have to rip off Domestic Donald and beat hair, face and body until I become Glamour Donald! THE PRESSURE!!! I NEED RELIEF!!!
Imagine my surprise when I check my e-mail and find a response from Billie Ray Martin! She's a doll! Maybe we'll see her over here singing soon? *crosses fingers!* It's good to see women like Sandra and Billie doing their thang - and getting PAID for it. Fuck a platinum record ... especiallly if you're not the one being paid for your art! Okay, I'm okay now ...
Today is World AIDS Day. I have been HIV positive for the past six years and it has been an arduous journey to say the least. Yesterday as I was searching through my things, I found a diary from about five years ago. It took me a year to even be able to write it down but when I did, I made a determination that I would still be here for another five years ... and here I am, feeling great. Power might be surviving the fact that you are not loved, but strength comes from the power of loving yourself.
