Our loving universe always provides what I need right when I need it. I want to learn to trust that effortlessly because it works without fail ...
January 2002 Archives
I'm here at J&R Music World's Apple Store, and I've thrown my hat in the ring to win that juicy new Canon GL1 very much like the one that I used to take my picture (which is lost and gone forever - [7/8/02]). That sure would make life seem particularly more sweet, especially after having to go to Civil Court today nearby. I wish I didn't have to go through that, but I will do whatever it is I have to do to keep my apartment.
I was discharged from Chez Bellevue yesterday afternoon! Sweet Freedom! Because of chronic appendicitis, I'm going to have an appendectomy sometime in the near future, but the need is not immediate. Hope they can give me a bikini cut! *LOL!*
I did a LOT of thinking about my life while I was cooped up - especially about how to progress and move forward. I need to get back in school ASAP. For real ... Yeah, I need a job, too, but my education is an integral component of my progression - moreso than I ever believed before. I can't continue to approach the career/job market with a fabulous skillset and no pedigree of how I've educated myself. That's not going to continue to work. Now if I could just figure out how to survive while pursuing an education at 32 ...
I'm here dealing with some abdominal trauma. Okay, so I'm not there right now, but I'm on my way back. Long story. Here are some highlights from the first half:
1/17 @ 7:15am and I'm mad as hell right now because a fucking army of doctors just woke me up and I just went to sleep at 4:30am. After listening to the lead doctor repeat the SAME line of questioning that has been repeated AT LEAST 6-7 times, you know I let them HAVE IT!!! I swear, you needed a heat shield to come back up in that room! Okay ... there, I feel much better now. Even if they are starving me for the CAT scan this morning. I'm going to wait patiently for a little while. It truly does NOT help to be staring at a clock that's not working ...
cute moment:
Female Patient: "There sure are a lot of cute guys here at Bellevue!"
Transport Guy: "Yeah, I hear you baby ..."
Okay, guess you had to be there to hear how sexy the Transport Guy's basso profundo sounded!
ethereal moment:
Being wheeled from having an X-ray, facing the ceiling and hearing the music of Enya. Very comforting - almost eerie. Yes, I was being transported by the aforementioned basso profundo!
Stelios! He hooked me up with the guy that's running things for him in New York.
The last couple of days, I haven't been feeling that great. I hope it's not a recurrence of the lactobaccillus infection that I experienced last year - that was an experience that I NEVER want to go through again. Guess I'll be applying for those 9/11 Emergency Medicaid benefits after all ...
After spending the evening with Val *smile!* I stopped by easyEverything yet again, this time with the intention of finding out when their Harlem location would be opening and to ask about who to contact for any available jobs. Who is standing behind the counter tonight but Stelios himself! So, I chatted him up about wanting to work at his upcoming Harlem location (which will be located at Harlem USA in conjunction with the Johnson Development Corporation) and using that experience to eventually open my own cybercafé in Harlem (and in Ft. Greene, Oakland, Atlanta, New Orleans, Chicago, Port of Spain, Brixton, Accra, Malaga and Salvador da Bahia ...) - and he gave me his business card! I will be sending that resume out RIGHT away!!! Wow, it's going to be THAT kind of year!
This would be such a wonderful birthday gift for me! I would probably break down and cry if someone surprised me with it! Real tears, I tell you!!!
Last night, I hung out at Langston's, Calvin Clark's new Brooklyn hot spot! It's cute - very spacious! Plus, coming soon, Calvin opens the upstairs lounge with a kickoff Blue Lights In The Basement Party! Stay tuned. Hmmmm, I think he needs a website ...
Hopefully I'll see you next Wednesday for Wunmi's party @ Joe's Pub!
Spent some more time at the Disaster Assistance Center and achieved some success! Yay! I hope my landlady can learn to love me again. *sigh* Well, after that I strolled around for a while, ducking and dodging all the damn tourists clogging the sidewalks, and noticed that the Twin Towers are now completely gone. All the wreckage has been removed and there's no more smoke. Wow. Then I rolled up into J&R Music World only to find my cousin, Alvin, toiling about for a new Palm Pilot! We went upstairs to the "new" Apple Store, and all I have to say is that they should have visited CompUSA's Apple Store on 5th and 37th and took extensive notes!
Oh, when are we going to see an Apple Store Uptown? Maybe soon after this new easyInternetCafé opens up in Harlem! I bet it will be on the corner of 125th and Lenox Avenue! That would be FIERCE ... and I NEED a job! Hello, Stelios! Are you listening? I'm sending a resume to you!
Hmph, he would WANT to have me work for him ...
I'm at the Times Square easyEverything again after a long, hard day of waiting at the Disaster Assistance Center, newly located in an old, beautiful bank on 51 Chambers Street. Right behind City Hall. I was there from 10am til 6:30pm and I have to go back tomorrow afternoon. I truly would rather be working, but until then I have to do something to keep my landlady happy ...
You might be sleeping
It's the middle of the night
I'm somewhere else
with the sleep that I fight
Nothing will be as romantic as it seems
If I close my eyes and succumb to my dreams
If I close my eyes
and imagine for a while
that my love could ever
reflect in your smile
Waking might not be another sad cruelty
Waking next to you could be my new reality
We are under stars
in the middle of the night
I want to be near you
with all my might
I want to feel love
I want to do right
I want to see stars
I want to see light
I feel that anxiety
of having just met
I wonder if you're wondering
what to expect
While trying to think of conversation subjects
We try to express the hearts we're trying to protect
We try to eclipse
the hurt from before
by trying to imagine lives
filled with more
We don't want this glow to end in dismay
and we have to live with other things in our day
but we are under stars
in the middle of the night
I want to be near you
with all my might
I want to feel love
I want to do right
I want to see stars
I want to see light
I might not be the one,
and it breaks my heart
That's a possibility
that I knew from the start
You might not be everything that I need
But you might be, and I will concede
in sharing the love
that you have for you
In sharing my love
of my life with us, too
But if we don't fall and love never arrives
I'll love you in heartache, in separate lives
and we are under stars
in the middle of the night
I want to be near you
with all my might
I want to feel love
I want to do right
I want to see stars
I want to see light
I'm here with my good buddy Philippe blogging from easyEverything. Four hours of Internet access for $1 is cute, but NOT when ALL of the WebCams are not operational! Not cute! Won't be getting my cyberfreak on up in here ...
We just came from Stella's where we celebrated Harmonica Sunbeam's birthday! FIERCE!!!! It's good to see her in a space where the sound system actually works!!! Not that Mattel/Tyco/Tonka/Casio shit that they were PERPETRATING as a sound system in the now defunct Two Potato. (Good Riddens!) Besides ourselves, there were LOTS of stars like Keith Boykin, Afrodezzia Alizae Jenkins (a.k.a. Nathan Scott), Nguru Karugu, Ken Terry, Dame Sybil Barrington and The Lady Miss Tyra Allure. Yeah, and Ken Terry gave this BIOTCH a CD and forgot all about me! *spit!* Well, WE'LL see whose CD he''ll be clamoring for later this spring - that heffa!!! Anyway, we had a really good time, but the strip show upstairs could have been missed. Philippe reminded me that I'm lactose intolerant ...
This morning, Steve Jobs introduced the new iMac and it makes my computer look like a bowl of cold oatmeal. I'm going to get one, especially now that employment looks like a distinct and immediate possibility! Yes, that also could mean an immediate re-entry back into the gym ... *sigh* That's my life!
You want
the thrill of inquisition
persistent distinction
first chance at rejection
while projecting false reflections
You want
devastating masculinity
hetero affinity
bisexual proclivities
and no homo idiosyncrasies
Even if it is a lie.
You want a freak who can love you
Without really holding you
Definitely not in public
No, only cold recognition
You want a real man
hard as a rock
no fats, no fems
and he must understand
why he's always on top
You want him real rough
a real rough rider
a baller, shot caller
cap to the front
until he makes you bleed
or until he breaks your arm
or until he slashes your throat
or drowns you in your bathtub
... to an audience of Kiehl's bottles ...
but then your image won't matter anymore
what you need to feel like a man
what you need to feel love
what you need to feel real
what you need to nut
won't matter anymore
and then it won't matter what you want.
Tomorrow, I get my diet in check by limiting carbohydrates and by eating much more protein. I'm also getting back to drinking the right amount of water. Well, I'll have to know because I won't be drinking any of the sugary drinks that I love so much. I'm still thinking about what exercises I'll actually do without going to the gym. All I know is that it's time to go to the next level ...
I could pretend that I like what I see
I could pretend to feel what I believe
If he's free or if he looks like me
unequivocally, it is not meant to be
So I'll falsify some happiness
So that others can relate
I'll try to keep my eye
on the expiration date
In my mind, I know true beauty
In my mind, I want to be
In my mind, the vision is complete
How can this ever manifest defeat?
Seven days a week, I'll make my muscles contract
I'll take my teeth, straightened and ungapped
I'll dermabrade my faults away, and suck off all the fat
Then soak it all in honey milk to keep my youth intact
So now I can wear what I've never worn
It doesn't matter if it's tailored or torn
I can't remember how to be forlorn
Now the world feels like I've just been born
And I'll remind the world
Of just who I am
"I am very special,
but I am just a man."
In my mind, I know true beauty
But now beauty looks like me
It is the vision that I've prayed to achieve
And mirrors cast reflections hard to believe
Around my neck, I feel reality constrict
Incompatible pills complicating this trick
Quickly to the mirror as my beauty fades away!
Quickly as it wins and life has its day ...
So, I could pretend that I like what I see
I could pretend to feel what I believe
I could pretend that beauty looks like me
but I create the world as I want it to be.
So, the tether is there
not to push or to pull
To remind that I am weak
when my heart is full
To weight consequences,
to wait and see
It is who I am
and who I will be.
Last night, I spent the last day of the year teaching my sister how to treat me while loving my niece and exalting my mother. I spent it travelling and returning home. I spent it with my best friends, determining good things for the future. I spent it meeting new friends and experiencing that deep, initial connection once again. And I spent those last moments tearfully remembering where I was just last year with gratitude, because things are better. Once again, I am part of the future that I imagined would happen without me ...
