I spent the day getting to know a wonderful man. What a beautiful day to make a connection! We share some of the same interests: we have similar musical tastes, we like to write and we both love children. We both want to raise children.
I used to think that I had to prove how unaffected I was by my father's neglectful absence and that I could best do that by wanting to be a good father. Raising children used to be a component of an intricate fantasy life complete with the right husband, the right house, the right car, the right job and the right look. Gradually, I'm learning to that my life has meaning even if it's not picture-perfect and that my aspirations don't have to be illusions. The real deal is that I want to help children make their way through this world, knowing that they can do anything by just trying their best. That's the most important thing that my mother has given me and I want to share this - with or without a husband. Sister Duane made a really good point about this - one difference between adopting children and procreating to have children is that adoptive parents choose their kids. And I would imagine that, as a child, knowing you are chosen could be as life-defining as knowing that you are not. Usually parents can't choose the children that they bear and children certainly can't choose the parents that bring them here (but that can be a beautiful thing, too *smile!*).
But sometimes I DO choose the people who come into my life and sometimes I choose to keep them. I'm learning to accept and to love life as it is. Recently a relationship has shifted in my life and we both feel it. I haven't put it into words yet and I don't think it would be right to do that here, but I'm learning to see our friendship as what it is - nothing less and nothing more. I'm learning that every connection does not have to be The Ultmate Connection - sometimes it just ain't that deep. And if the connection is not as deep as I want it to be, it is not always 1) my fault by default or 2) a personal affront or 3) something that has to be fixed. I'm letting go of my illusions to experience a richer reality, but I still hold fast to my dreams. They show me what my life might look like ... if I just try to do my best.
