I have a lot of work now. At this very moment, I'm in the middle of 3 projects and approaching the on-ramp of two more. Work Is Good! I've been working pretty hard - mostly to keep from being overwhelmed. I'm still not at the point where my bills are paid - in fact, I owe every single one right now. I know that will change dramatically very soon, but I'm still here in the now. It's hard living like this.
Plus, I'm not feeling very cute these days. Haven't shaved in a while and probably won't for at least another week. My hair is in need of some good loving. I think I'm losing a lot more of my vision because of these cheap-ass glasses. And my body certainly doesn't look as svelte as it did last summer.
I know Lynne will probably read me for being so down on myself, but it's not pity. I think I'm okay, just slightly depressed. I can't wait until my finances allow me to make some REAL changes in my life.
Changes that will help me deal with rejection better. I know a lot of people, but I feel really lonely. I'm constantly rejected and I wonder how I've maintained my sanity and friendly demeanor. My loving nature. My need to help others. Having no money makes it seem worse. Taking care of yourself, especially the way I like to take care of myself, requires money. The Basics - buying/washing clothes, eating properly, going to the gym, toiletries, doctor/dentist visits, transportation to all these things ...
I'm hoping that if I riff about all this up here, I'll feel better. I'm so tired of being alone and broke. My life still doesn't look quite the way I want it to look, but I'm wonder if it even matters. The Universe never waits for me to get my shit together to send me a blessing, so why should my husband be any different? I think sometimes that if I had a better body, done hair, contacts that allow me to see straight and that overwhelming Sense of Having Something that my husband will be attracted. I'm so sick of waiting for that because my life has been failing at those requirements. There's so much I want to do and I wonder ...
People seem to care more about cute people. Even cute people who aren't caring ...
I love myself and I need to prove it. Right now.
So that explains why you’ve been Missing In Action for sometime … But it’s cool … I understand — Ain’t nothing going on but the Rent … and coinage is the only thing that’s going to pay the bills.
I’m so tired of being alone and broke. I know the feeling … It’s really going to be alright … I’m praying for you.
Talk with you soon.
I have been there so many times it’s impossible to count. I’m rootin’ for ya, luv. hug
You know a sistah knows it’s going to be alright. I was destitute (well ok, had less money than I was used to) for a year, but I got thru’. And you will too. Remember that scripture: “And this too shall pass.”
Congrats on the work. You deserve it.