As I challenge myself to deconstruct and redefine how I engage and nurture different types of relationships, someone that I really like tells me of the crush he has on me.
In our lives, there are people like us in our circles that we see out on the street, at parties, at community events, on the job and in our neighborhoods. Have you ever seen someone in your circle that you've always wanted to get to know better, but never put the effort into making it happen? Well, this guy is one of those people for me. He's really well read and articulate, passionate, funny - just a great person to be around. I'd always see him at different events (usually intimate parties of mutual friends) and would say to myself, "Why aren't we any closer than we are?"
So recently I sent him an e-mail saying exactly that, hoping that we could commit to getting to know each other better. His response really surprised me. He has a crush on me (now THAT'S rare!); a crush he's had since the first time we met! I was so flattered, but in the midst of a delicate situation like this, a response to flattery can look quite patronizing - especially since I haven't divulged how I feel about him sexually. Manuevering through these emotions can be tricky because the spectre of rejection is right there, ready and waiting to break someone's heart or, at least, to make someone feel uncomfortable.
The truth is that I really do like this guy and I hope that we can be good friends. Might that lead to a deeper relationship later? I don't know, but I am trying to open myself up to that possibility. We could easily become SisterGirlfriends™ - friends so tight that we emulate the extremely close (and sexless) relationships that we observed (or imagined) between the Black women in our lives, paying homage to their femininity by claiming our own. In naming it, I don't belittle it - I cherish the few Black men that I call sisters, but I'm beginning to question how I create these relationships going forward.
When they happen, it's a blessing of mutual epiphany - a deep, spiritual moment of connection, but a moment that usually doesn't contain any of the tension of sexual attraction. I'm beginning to see the important conversations that this tension can render in my relationships with other Black gay men. So, why isn't it included? If I feel such a strong connection for my SisterGirlfriend, why can't I be sexually attracted to him or, heaven forbid, have sex with him? Are all SisterGirlfriends off limits when it comes to sexual attraction, by default? SisterGirlfriends can sometimes seem like the consolation prizes that become of men we are attracted to after we've established that the sexual attraction is not mututal. I don't want to automatically relegate the men that I love to the mutually exclusive ghettos of SisterGirlfriends and Potential Husbands. Why can't SisterGirlfriends BE Potential Husbands?
I'm beginning to think that, sometimes, they can be. In fact, a SisterGirlfriend who is also a potential husband might be the deepest connection to another man that I could ever hope to realize. After all, a SisterGirlfriend is another man that I have a loving connection with. Why not take it deeper?
So, I guess I’m not the only one. ;-)
I think that a sistergirlfriend…if there is also a mutual sexual attraction…would be the best candidate for a husband. A long time ago, I used to think why f*uck up a good friendship with sex and romance. But if love is already there. If that spiritual connection is really there. If you and sistergirlfriend are really close…tight knit…then why not take it a step further? Sometimes I think we should just go with the flow. Not put limits on anything. I was just telling someone that I’d love to have a relationship that moves slowly. From friendship, the love grows, and then it blossoms into a wonderous nurturing partnership. Sometimes I feel it would be hard to do that if you have already let sex enter into it. But then again why not? Why couldn’t you have sex with a friend? And then that friend become something more? The something you always wanted?
BTW, it’s good to have you back. I been missing you.
It can be confusing sometimes to sort out the exchange of energy between two people. Why categorize? It is what it is… Most folks limit the potential of an association by trying to deifne what the nature of their attraction is and ultimately, what can become of it. I say, stay connected to the energy, not the concept!
Sexual attraction is always regarded withsome kind of negative connotation, as if it has the potential to destroy rather than build. It’s only when we try to “manage” and “claim” that energy as OURS that we begin to undermine our connection to the universe…
Your example of SisterGirlfriends proves, there’s really no hierarchy of connection. It can be everything at the same time, with each aspect duly celebrated yet not labeled.
Reading is fundamental! After coming back and reading the ENTIRE post, I have just one bit of advice: Go for yours.
One of my best friends was a former sexual interest and although it didn’t turn that way, we are still friends. Don’t let the fear of (sexual) rejection deter you from expressing your true feelings. It’s too limiting to confine friends to such a small part of our circle.
At the very least, talk to him honestly and openly and see where it leads the both of you. Maybe you’ll be surprised again. Let that be the bigger fear.
I believe that meeting someone who is a SisterGirlfriend is a definite plus, not a minus. Go for it. The worst case scenario is that you have another SisterGirlfriend.
I agree — Go for it … If it fails you’ll always have another SisterGirlfriend.