5 Gifts to Myself: Right Now

Seize the day
I look back on my life and I remember too many moments that I let pass me by. I've been frozen by what I hesitate to call depression for hours, days, weeks ... months ... yeah, and years as my dreams faded in with vivid colorful sharpness and out into obscurity. This is what I'm most ashamed of - wasting time.

Testing positive was definitely the most traumatic event in my life, but it wasn't the only one by a long shot. That might be why I dealt with it the same way I've always dealt with trauma; I just went into a corner and curled up waiting to be buried. Not really wanting to die, but REALLY not wanting to be in this world. Just feeling numb.

But since I didn't die, time has just kept moving on. I'm still here and still fine and still have dreams that I want to fulfill. I still have days where time slips by, but I can deal with it if I just focus on doing something, anything that will get me closer to a goal. Sometimes these steps are big, but most of the time they are small - but planning them is a potent weapon against my worst enemy: procrastination.

Defeating procrastination
So, what do you do when you're still alive, feeling great and ready for accomplishment but you have a seemingly natural inclination for the post-traumatic stress disorder of breaking down? Well, first I need an answer to the question "Why bother? Why not just die?" Eventually, the answers became clear:

1. I do love myself
2. I'm not dead (and I probably will never be courageous enough to take my own life)
3. Since I'm not dead, my brain still works and my dreams remain.

Okay, so you get the picture - I have these things I want to do and time marches on. I hesitate - and time marches on ... and on. It's torture! So, here are some things that I do to minimize my procrastination:

• Creating accountability: I entrust good friends with my aspirations so they can use them against me as more torture remind me of them in a friendly, polite way when I'm slacking up.
• Planning incessantly: I leave notes all over the place. If I procrastinate about a certain note, it physical (or digital) presence remains until I do something about it. This has been especially helpful with maintaining relationships; I keep a list on my computer of people I want to e-mail, call or write.
• Saying no (again!): It's a vicious circle - someone asks me to commit to something that I'm not extremely interested in, I'll rationalize that and will finally accept. Then time marches on and I'm obligated, not feeling it - and procrastinating about it. So now, I've begun to say "No." to anything I'm not at least EXTREMELY interested in. I will ask questions that help gauge my interest, but I try not to rationalize why I SHOULD do ANYTHING I don't WANT to do. That creates fewer things to procrastinate about!
• Setting the mood to do it: For example, I'd been procrastinating for a while around cleaning my house, so I had to set the mood. So, I had to wear something comfortable. I burnt incense to infuse my space with a wonderful scent. I set my computer up to play some cool tunes (or I'd mix some house beforehand to get it out of my system).

I'm not going to let procrastination allow me to miss out on my life anymore. I choose to live a life full of aspirations ... and accomplishments!

Parting is such sweet sorrow.
That's my life right now. Lately, I've really been thinking a lot about how to move forward and progress and thrive; it's an effort that's going to consume a lot more of my time and thought. So, this is my last entry for a while, probably until some time early next year. Everyone continue to have a lovely holiday season! Thanks for looking into my life ... it's been fun. See you in 2003!