Rescued And Forgiven

At around 8 o'clock Wednesday night I was online chatting. I'd cleared most of the 'friends' off of my buddy lists who weren't, but I saw a name I didn't recognize. I said "Hi." and told him what a nice smile he has. We exchanged preliminaries and something not so preliminary - his telephone number. I called around 11pm (the time he appointed) and left a message the second time that was not completely devoid of scathing terse attitude.

He called me the next day and we traded life stories for about an hour. It felt really good ... and I was hearing a lot of what I like in a man. We made a date for early Friday afternoon; it would be my first date of the summer.

You could imagine how my heart sank when I heard the phone ring on the other side of my locked door. Never mind that I'd end up falling asleep on the stairs outside of my apartment after waiting over 4 hours; I just messed up a DATE! With a MAN! Here I am sitting on these stairs with more work to do, a date calling me ... ready to get it all together. *sucks teeth!*

But you know, it truly is all good. When I'm depressed and don't feel like working, I don't have a lot of the things that I want (and sometimes need). Lately I've been wondering about that - why I put myself in that position. Am I just playing Damsel in Distress, awaiting my Knight in Shining Armor to rescue me? I've been really noticing the patterns I set up to be rescued by others when I'm probably the most well-equipped person in my life to save it. A couple of months ago, I felt really strongly about my need for a man in my life - I wondered if I'd survive without one. It's related and I think it's a bit of pathological dependence working here. It's a different type of self-sufficiency I need ... not material or financial, but emotional and internal. I do want a husband, but it's becoming clearer why I do ... and I can rescue my own life thankyouverymuch.

And I can forgive myself, too. I felt so stupid on the other side of that locked door and I wondered if this guy would ever talk to me again. I thought "He probably thinks I'm either being cruel or thoughtless or cowardly. He probably never wants to speak to me again." I saw it from his perspective, too, I mean it does sound like a really trifling reason for missing a date. I know if I was in his shoes, I initially would think that a game was being played and would leave me alone. Because of a lack of focus and just general carelessness, I was missing out on something good for me - something that I wanted.

I finally got into my apartment in time to shower and race downtown to see Donnie (who was great!) and hang out with my cousin. I got back home close to midnight and checked my messages, receiving two - the latter sounding more urgent than the former. I called and left a message, apologizing. The next day, I called again with my trifling-sounding explanation taking up the entire allotted time on his voice message recorder. I left him an IM message. I called him this morning for Father's Day and his voice message recorder cut off. (Did he hang up on me?)

Then I left it alone and forgave myself. If he didn't want to talk to me again ever again in life, I'd respect his decision and would wish him well. Besides, I deserved to be forgiven and if he couldn't then maybe it's good that I know now. Remembering our nice conversation, I smiled and went back to work ...

... and he returned my call. *smile!*