I was living in Fort Greene at the time, before gentrification sucked all the marrow from the bone. I had been sharing a lovely duplex apartment with my cousin and another roommate on Clinton Avenue, right off of Myrtle.
I don't even remember what I was doing that day, but I was on the G train headed for Manhattan. I saw this man and he captured my heart from the very first glance. He was tall and thick (the way I like 'em!) and he had the most sparkling innocent smile that took my breath away. I had to do something quickly besides gawk, so I wrote my number on a business card, took a deep breath and walked over to his side of the car. I gave him the card and he blushed so adorably. I said "Please call me." and he said "I will." When we got to his stop and he turned to say goodbye, I felt both assured that he'd call me and defeated because he'd never call someone like me. My heart was racing.
When he called me later that night, it didn't take me by surprise but I was so happy! And relieved! He lived nearby, so we set up a time and place to meet and chat and to get to know each other. We sat on a bench and chatted about who we were, about our lives, what we wanted. He kept looking into my face so lovingly ... or so I thought. He was actually looking at my nose and waited for a while before informing me of the booger hanging from it. I was completely mortified!!! In the back of my mind, I said "Oh well, so much for my first impression! Guess he'll be leaving now." And what he did next took me by surprise; after my failed attempts at removing said booger, he held my head in his hand and removed it for me. I was in love. I'll never forget that first kiss we shared in the middle of sun-drenched Cannon Plaza as he held me in his arms. It was magic!
One of the first decisions we made together was to get tested for HIV. I had some trepidations because I'd never tested before and was unfamiliar with the process. Besides, after being in New York for almost two and a half years, I hadn't really had that much sex! My man made me feel comfortable, though, and assured me that it wasn't too bad; he'd recently gotten tested for HIV himself. He said that he'd be with me, no matter what, regardless of the results. I knew that he'd be my man forever. I told Janice, a close friend of mine at work, what was going on after she happened upon us kissing on Montague Street after he walked me to work. I was so happy and I wanted to share it with the world. I wished everyone could have the love I'd found.
On August 8, 1995, I discovered that I had tested HIV positive. I was in shock but I was on my lunch break, so I had to go back to work. I managed a smile and just tried to get through minutes that felt like the last moments of my life. Janice ran into me and asked how it went. We went for a walk and I finally let it out. I was already in mourning with sobs that seemed to puncture my very soul. I was so scared - what would I tell my mother? What would I tell my man and his mother? When and how would I die? How could I be dying when my life was just beginning?
I got to his house later that night, I told him and his mother. We cried together and I realized that he made a promise to me that he couldn't keep. Sure, we tried to hold on, but everything that was wrong suddenly became the extent of our relationship. He accused me of knowing my status beforehand and lying to him. And I wondered how much living with his mother influenced him. It ended with an intense argument and he said that he never wanted to see or hear from me ever again. He said he'd never fall in love again. This scenario plunged me headlong into the most severe depression of my life. If I could have committed suicide, it would have been during this time ... but I didn't.
Instead, I kept living. Indinavir (a.k.a. Crixivan) was the brand-new drug going through trials that my doctor scared me into taking. Although I was HIV positive, I felt fine but I succumbed to my doctor's pressure. Taking those drugs gave me constant nausea; they made me sick. I tried to be strong, though and went through with it for six months until my viral load was undetectable. I haven't been on any medication since.
A couple of years ago while throwing some old papers away, I found a card that my gentle giant had made for me, professing his love to me all those years ago. So I wrote him a friendly letter on light blue paper, sharing a little bit about my life and hoping that he'd learned to love again despite what he said. I sat with it for a while and sent it, hoping it would find him in a happy life and hoping that he could remember some of the good times we shared together. It came back soon after marked "Return To Sender" ... and I filed it away. That letter showed me that I could love again and that I could be loved, so it already did what it needed to do before I even sent it. I wished him well and sent that wish up into the air and out into the universe. I still wish him nothing but the best.
and the fact that you were able to do that without having any ill will or ill feelings is a sign of growing older and growing stronger. i love you for that. independance day indeed.
To even send something after the way he reacted, shows you have a geniune heart. I send you a virtual kiss on the cheek as I am very moved. I’m hoping you have found/will find the man deserving of your heart.
This is why I love you my brother. We need more people like you, showing others that life doesn’t end with three little letters.
And you’re a much bigger man than me. I would have…
Simply love — The day you fall in love again … Please write about it.
You are strong baby!
I have to thank all y’all for such kind words, sentiments and support. This was one of the hardest entries I’ve ever posted, but I know the last time I fell in love won’t be the last time … hug!
i just got to read this. i am quite moved by the courage to write this entry and the courage to write the letter to your last love.
wow! you’re the man.
You have such a wonderful way with words. When I read your work, I feel like Im there, next to you, experiencing what you experience. Its quite a remarkable gift you have.
Stay strong. You’re a beautiful person.
It’s been a long time since I dropped in to pay you a visit, and I’m happy I did. Your words are always moving and powerful, and this entry shows that you have one of the greatest and fullest hearts around. I heart you. TRUUUULY! Now why didn’t I see you at the Body and Soul party at PS 1 yesterday?
There is no other word that describes than FIERCENESS!!! Much love and many blessings to you.
What an incredible post; romantic and tragic and incredibly intimate. I haven’t ever been moved so deeply by someone’s online journal before. Thank you for trusting this audience with your beauty. Its a gift.
wow
i really don’t know what to say to this post, but instead of being sad, i have this overwhelming happy feeling. i belive in love and i think it’s GREAT that you were able to get through your depression and find solace in life & living.
and THAT is a beautiful thing.
I remember being on the train with you so many years ago. I’m a different person now and so are you. And I’m not the man you sent the letter to. But I understand about love and never loving again. Obviously, the man shut you out and stopped himself from being your friend when he could have. You are so mature to let it go and wish him well. Who knows why things happen, but maybe it’s best this way. You probably don’t know who this is, but reading this and knowing you in this deep way really makes me miss you and walking in the train stations with you and through the rain and past broadway in the teen streets with odd window displays. No, none of this makes sense or should, but I miss you and I’m so proud of the person you are today. God bless.