It just finished raining, but it's alright. You know, I think it was just this process - looking at my resume, looking at my life - feeling like I've only been spinning my wheels for the last 7 years. I started doing web design in 1996 and my career objectives are still pretty much the same - "looking for a position that utilizes and develops my graphic arts, web page design and programming skills in a productive, progressive environment" ... and I still haven't found what I'm looking for. In the corporate sector, I was used to doing monotonous, menial temporary work - and got used to always being the first to go. I was looking for someplace that I could tolerate as long as I was learning something - as long as I was progressing. But no, the vicious circle dictated reality - no chance of upward mobility complete with the anxiety of trying to do impressive work in the hopes of some stability while never knowing when you'll get cut. Wondering if it was because I wasn't good enough, wondering if it was my Blackness, my gayness, my lack of education, an irrelevant skillset ... what?
August 2003 Archives
I really do hate moments like this; feeling blue, stagnant and exhausted. I wish I didn't feel this way and had something better to talk about, but talking about this is supposed to be cathartic, right? Whatever ... this cycle threatens to consume me one day. It's been building up for the past month. I should probably take this seriously, but I can't really afford to.
This has been a really cool summer! I broke out of my shell a little more, hung out a bit more and even tried my hands at an attempt at romance (yes, it's over). It's been all good; I learned a little bit more about what I want and what I have to offer.
Ms. Tina is FIERCE, you hear me? On Saturday afternoon, she invited me to a surprise birthday party for our friend Shannon Ayers at Native later that night. The plan she cooked up with Shannon's boyfriend Jim was as follows: at home, they would pretend to have a small get-together of friends, but noone would show up. Then they would head out for 'some drinks' ... *LOL!* Shannon couldn't have known what was in store for her!
I hadn't planned on leaving the house on Saturday, but Philippe coaxed me out to hang out at Dance Theatre of Harlem's Annual Street Festival. I didn't even know it existed - and they've been doing it for 31 years! By the time I got there, I'd missed a couple of performances from the school, but I did catch some ...
Push!
I rejoined the gym almost two weeks ago and hadn't been once - until this morning. I got up around 6am, gathered my toiletries, packed a fresh T-shirt and socks and pushed out into the rainy day to get this started ... again. I can't dwell too much on the time I've wasted that has passed because it will only depress me and make me as grey as the day is. We can't have that.
Kathleen Cleaver at the Studio Museum in Harlem
Monday night, I headed over to the Studio Museum in Harlem to get a glimpse of the Black Panther Party from Kathleen Cleaver, Danny Glover and St. Clair Bourne. Two points that Kathleen made resonated within me; 1) We need to create nurturing and supportive environments that will sustain the leaders of the future and 2) COINTELPRO is now standard police procedure. Kathleen also showed select pictures from Black Panthers 1968 and signed copies of it afterwards. I'm sure she would have also signed any copies of Liberation, Imagination, and the Black Panther Party if requested. She inspired me - every word brimming with dedication and eloquence. Oddly, I didn't hear one mention of Angela Davis.
with Tim'm T. West at Indigo Books for Black Pride's Book Signing
I FINALLY met Tim'm West on Saturday! Actually, he (and Steven) are the only reasons I even headed to Brooklyn. Besides, I needed a pick-me-up - my friend Naeem Reynolds passed away just that Tuesday after a long battle with cancer.
