I really do hate moments like this; feeling blue, stagnant and exhausted. I wish I didn't feel this way and had something better to talk about, but talking about this is supposed to be cathartic, right? Whatever ... this cycle threatens to consume me one day. It's been building up for the past month. I should probably take this seriously, but I can't really afford to.
And I am a hypocrite, too. Why just yesterday, I gave someone my Susan Taylor "Be present where you are." rant - now I'm wondering about my own presence, relevance, etc, yadda yadda yadda ...
At times like this, I usually try to manage a happy face. I probably still could, but I really don't feel like it. Yeah, it's important that I put only good vibes and positive energy out into the universe, but right now I'm runnin' on E. I'm too broke to spend the weekend in Atlanta. I don't even really feel like leaving the house.
I think I need a 9-to-5. There, I said it. I don't know how I've managed to pay my bills working (and getting paid) so sporadically, but that's about all I've been doing. I lack this discipline to work from home, I'm not making any money and my skills aren't getting any better.
So today, I looked at my resume for the first time in over a year. I was prettying up for Keith's birthday party last night when I received an e-mail about a job vacancy. Instead of going, I updated my resume and sent it. Fleeting moments of traitorousness; owning a business, giving up .... I'm not going to put too much effort into looking, though. Not like I used to ... well, who knows. We'll see.
You ever had one of those moments where you doubt everything? It's beyond questioning - I think it's nihilism. I was kinda hoping that I already had my share of it this year. I want to wake up from feeling this way, but all I want to do is sleep until the next day. I really feel burnt out.
*sigh*
Okay, now I'm going to try that "putting good stuff in the universe" thing again. *focuses and concentrates*
My business will be successful. Successful being defined as being able to do more (much more) than just pay my bills. Successful also meaning acquiring health insurance and education. Success is progression; I will progress.
*blink*
Okay, I have run into some interesting things during this vegetative period. (Besides that.) Like Kelis' new track "Milkshake" ... why did a sexy track like that have to come out when I'm feeling so out of shape and unsexy? I'm really wondering if anyone else will want me. I've gotten zero reponses to my personal ad. *groan* And Prince continues to turn me out, first with this Flash animation then with this video of him doing "Pop Life" live! I made Baked Spaghetti a couple of days ago - that canned stuff doesn't even begin to compare to fresh shredded Parmesan Reggianno. Maybe I'll get some more now that FreshDirect delivers to me *sike*. Yay ...
Life, it ain't too funky, unless it's got that ... *sigh*
It’s called the end of summer blues. I’ve been there plenty of times since freelancing was thrushed unto me. And I most definitely felt as if I were betraying myself and future when I took a 9-to-5 (esp. such a going-nowhere, low paying one!). I can’t stress often enough: One Day at a Time.
BTW: “So out of shape and unsexy?!” Baby, you were totally the opposite last Sunday.
You won’t be in Atlanta? Me sad now.
Hopefully the end of the summer blues waft away soon. I know how much it sucks just making it month by month to pay bills. Just now I’m starting to get my fledgling “business” on its own two legs.
And as far as the personal ad? Who needs ‘em? I’ve seen the photo collages in the past few entries - you’re surrounded by beautiful men. ;)
A blog entry with which I can COMPLETELY identify.
From 1990 until 2001, I did my full-time starving actor gig, living almost exclusively off my earnings, but towards the end, more off my savings to the point of poverty and very high stress. My return to 9-5 couldn’t have come at a better time, but I did need to find the right job for it to happen. Great salary, full benefits, five weeks vacation and no weekends and evenings. I miss acting, but not show business, and love having money to do whatever I want now. It was a small compromise but worth it and doesn’t prevent me from pursuing other creative outlets. Going back inside isn’t failure. It’s an opportunity to regroup and plan again.
Now I have NO words of wisdom on that search for a man. Noneatall!
Sounds like everyone is going through a lil sumthin’ sumthin’ right now. Man…unsexy? You bugging. Not the Donald I hung out with to go see Dwele. You tripping…or smoking that stuff.
Man fear can be a treacherous bi-aach.
Hmm, I think I wanna’ add sumthin’. Hmm, it’s been a year that I had a FT gig again and I’m getting a promotion very soon. But I have to say that the year I was w/out FT work and in Grad School and freelancing and doing odd PT jobs…I learned a heck of a lot. I learned that I was often confused about what wealth really meant. I mean sistah’ had some serious bills, but she got through then. But she made her own schedule, she got to read more, write more, hang with folks more, talk to folks more. The FT gig is kicking her ass but it’s bringing financial rewards. Not sure on which side of the road I’ve been actually the most healthy and wealthy, if you get my drift.
It’ll all come together for you soon. And then you’ll have moments like these again. And then it’ll come together again. Static energy and chaos…we can’t live without it. If everything were completely still, there’d be no thing.
Donald… do what you need to in order to find your own balance….
its avery good song