Am I Ever Gonna Fall In Love In New York City?

This week I think I FINALLY have something regular going with the gym and with my diet. I'm coming to grips with this being an ugly time: I'm wearing tunics again, don't feel like doing my hair, my teeth ... well ... *sigh* ... you get the picture. I've been going to the gym at night - that seems to work well for my spirit. I really don't want anyone to see me now, before I'm beautiful.

Okay, enough of that! Yesterday was a little cloudy, but the weather was still beautiful. You know, sometimes it just takes a walk through the park to breathe in fresh morning air and to revel in nature's wholesome beauty - to feel alive again! *inhale!* Ahhhh ... I pumped up the amp and put the needle on the record, but still didn't make it to Other Countries. It's so good to know they've returned! I've promised myself to participate in one of their workshops before the end of the month. I am, after all, a writer. I'm going to stop being lazy about it. (I'd also like to make a committment to read more.)

from Charlotte, North Carolina to a Harlem hair show, with love; my KFC Crush ...

By the time I actually got out of the house and to 125th Street, a building had collapsed - disabling the 2/3 line. They announced severe delays over the intercom, so most of us got a transfer and found other ways to travel. I didn't know the details, so I asked my friendly not-from-our-neighborhood policemen for details. That's why I still don't know any details. I was a little hungry (my mind does that, I think, to gear up for an intense workout regimen) so I stopped by KFC on the way to the A train. I had other fast food last week, too, but I've been reducing it; I'm trying for once a week. There's this guy there with bushy eyebrows; I think he's sooo cute!

trying a bit of facial hair; Mark Fowler chats Steven (and Think Again) up

So, the A train is whisking me down to 14th Street and I see two gay men, one Black/Hispanic and one white, carrying on a bubbly conversation. I caught myself smiling because the Black/Hispanic guy's smile was so infectious. But I stopped. The white guy looked at me and averted his eyes so quickly as if he'd looked into a burning sun or as if I had thrown acid at him. They were with a group of other white gay men, going downtown. I got to The Center about 8pm - an hour late. Mark Fowler was hosting a 'talk show' in conjunction with Black Pride NYC about "The DL Phenomenon" (or as James might say, "The DL Conflammanon"). How coincidental that this should take place on Human Rights Campaign's National Coming Out Day. It was a Black event, so The Center provided a room was tiny and wrong, as usual. It will take some doing before Mark becomes Oprah, but his personality is effervescent and engaging - I hope he further develops this format. I had just missed my buddy Steven's moment, but caught up with my compatriots Derrick Marable and African Ancestral Lesbians United for Societal Change's Kim Ford with her Trini gyal Ama. Jeffrey Davis was there to campaign and said just enough to prove his lack of qualifications, but I wished him luck. On the way back home, I sat across three gay men, two Black men chatting and laughing with a white man. I put on a poker face, but it literally turned my stomach.

I got home, shaved some more and changed into something even more tunic-like. (I know, I thought it looked cutish at the time ... *rolls eyes*) I got to UP! about an hour too early, got my hand stamped, went back home and played Super Mah Jong. When I went back, it was, as Harmonica would say "Ka-PACKED!"

the lovely door crew at UP!; Carlton, Juan and Hugo

Yeah, there were lots of cute guys. I even saw a couple of guys I would push up on if I had the nerve, no, if I were in another frame of mind. There was a lot of homothuggin' and DLism going on, but lots of guys were just hanging out. To be honest, I wasn't really approachable; I know that I won't attract the man that I want until I give him what he wants. I wish I knew what that was. Please keep in mind that I try to be conscientious about complaining about a venue when I know my primary issue stems from not getting any play.

UP!'s main men Nathan Scott and Nathan Williams cavort with their luscious bartenders; am I dreaming or is Patrik-Ian Polk here with me? *grin!*

The songs were cute sometimes, but the DJ played too much hip-hop and his flow was off most of the night. However, nobody seemed to notice or care. I ran into so many people I know, including my paternal cousin Alvin and my maternal cousin Marcus. Juan and Carlton's presence reminded me of capoeira (which I haven't practiced all year) and one of my gym crushes was there. (Hmmm, they're both really light-skinned with locks and freckles ...) I bumped into designer-in-arms Gregory Gray, making him spill his drink on himself. He was so gracious in forgiving me. Kevin R. Scott recognized me, flagged me down and immediately wrapped me in warm, loving arms - what a cutie! I ran into Fred, Lynne's friend (and co-worker) that I'd like to get to know better. Herr Boykin introduced me to Punks director Patrik-Ian Polk (who's working on a new TV show). Keef also introduced me to someone I already know, who acted like he didn't know me. I said, "Pleased to meet you. We've known each other for years." I took my hand back and didn't even roll my eyes. I'm a bottom (and I think people can detect that), but I can't relate to others who automatically despise other bottoms.

Larry Ortiz (left) and gym crush Sean (right *swoon!*) flank Harlem's legendary Byron Barnes; Juan and the ever-fabulous, ever-gracious Gregory Gray

I felt like a bump on a log. I was easy for me to suppress the couple of times that I wanted to dance. Only one guy asked me to dance, but I convinced myself that I wasn't that desperate. I guess I was looking for new agendas to succumb to - not an already familiar one. Plus the song was wrong, so I politely declined, felt a twinge of guilt and quickly recovered. (I know, the whole lamenting of being rejected while simultaneously rejecting ... I assure you it's not that.) I stood in the same spot so long that people began to ask me if I worked there, so I walked around, greeted friends, took pictures, watched other people dance and made my exit. I'll try to have fun next time.