I'm one of many people poised at the beginning of the New Year to consider significant life changes, particularly the changes we'd like to make to our bodies. If Oprah sticks to her birthday wish to be photographed nude when she turns 50 later this month, I KNOW she is at this very moment getting every penny's worth of training and motivation from her trainer, Bob Greene. But what motivates regular people who can't afford a trainer much less a gym membership? Fitness magazines are inundated with ads for diets, bars, shakes, powders and pills that always feature people whose cockdiesel 'after' bodies are always better lit (and usually shaven) than their flabby ordinary-looking 'before' bodies. And Hollywood (whose job it is to suspend reality by making you believe that most people, regardless of who they are or what they have or haven't done, are rich, own homes, drive expensive cars, have fantastic bodies, live action-packed, romantic lives and always enjoy idyllic happy endings) does not help at all.
No, I don't mean to blame Hollywood for my fat, lethargy or for my general failure to look how I want - at least not completely. There are whole conglomerates of businesses that make money off of people's misery from their inadequacies and I accept that that's probably not going to change anytime soon. What I'm going to do, yet again, is look within.
To be honest, I have some real issues with people who have fit bodies, almost the same as the issues I have with rich people and white people - they are issues of privilege. I don't necessarily dislike or feel jealous of people who have these things because of the things, per se, but I do hate seeing people trade in the currency of privileges that most people (including myself) don't have and can't afford. I see this day in and day out - even sadder are the people who can't trade in this currency of privilege who play the game in the hopes of one day attaining it. I just finished reading André Leon Talley's memoirs; privileges such as these are so rampant and automatically understood in his world of fashion, but they are not out of place in the real world. Not by a long shot. It's really pathetic ... but am I describing myself? Because why do I want a fit body? Why do I want money and success?
I say that I work out (when I did work out) to create a lifetime of fitness and to create my best body, but I'd be lying to deny that in at least some small way I'm not motivated by the perks offered to those of us who have fit bodies. I've struggled to keep this as an internal challenge, but everything that surrounds us (especially in the male-driven, testosterone-laden world of fitness) sends a message: "Change. You Are Not Good Enough." Do I want to create this perfect body to be able to say the same thing to someone else? I don't think so, but I've never been rich either. I would hope that, if I came into instant millions, I would buy myself some of the things I need, would be sensible and wouldn't dramatically change as a person, but who's going to know that until I actually get the cash?
If it sounds tangentially, it probably is. And it's theory that has no basis in my life. Why predict the possibilities of personal futures based on the inhumanity that seems to come with privilege when, so far, that hasn't been my reality? My conclusion is this: my life needs to be my focus. I can continue to begrudge fucked-up people with nice bodies for being who they are (and I probably always will to a certain extent) but ultimately that will get me nowhere in my own fitness goals.
So, here I am, looking at myself again. This is the hardest work, but in it there are clues. I've tried things before that did work:
- Assess and Visualize
I have pictures which remind me that I'm not starting COMPLETELY over and I have pictures (like the one above) that made me look like I was on my way to the body I desire. I don't really see bodies like mine in the real world naked, so I have to close my eyes and just imagine myself as a computer simulation. "Yes, move those up. Pull this in Make those bigger. Erase that." - Eat Well
For me, it all begins with a healthy diet. Some oatmeal every morning, fruits and vegetables, protein, etc ... and lots of water. - Find External Motivation
Making the effort to leave my aparment to go to the gym provides some of this. In the Fall of 2002, I hired a personal trainer for about 12 sessions. I know, most people can't afford this option, and for the longest time I couldn't, but working out with Tony really gave me the motivation and instruction I needed. I'm still (barely) a member of the same gym. Can I afford him now - no, but I still have the lessons he taught me about how to change my body. I could start listening again. - Change Clothes
After I saw some results, I started throwing away clothes that were too big. I always bought incentive clothing - clothing I'd hope to wear one day. I had a good run in those pieces last year, but they are probably incentive again. - Relax
My last go round with the gym, I did stuff that I enjoyed - like capoeira. I'm ashamed to show my face in the gym on the days of that class, but I know I'll get back to it. I hated missing even one class. Edna made sure each one was a challenge. And I sure was looking good in those skin-tight capoeira pants - you couldn't tell me shit! - Do Other Stuff
My work is pretty sedentary, but going to the gym can't be my only outlet. I used to find reasons to leave the house, like grocery shopping, trips to the post office or strolls through the park. (I'm now realizing that having a camera made me want to go out that much more.) Hanging out with friends is always great when I can afford it. And dating isn't that bad, either ...
Okay, so that looks like one of the goddamned New Year resolutions to which I did not want to succumb, but there you go. Torn from a page of my private journal, I wasn't sure if I'd post this entry. It's my hope that sharing it makes it something more real than fluff or common talk never to be realized in my own life.
I commend you, because that was brave. To acknowledge you true motivations in the face of such scornful want, is, well, brave. But we all know the truth about why we want the things we don’t have/others have.
Stay on point and do Donald baby.
You can only work out for you, in my opinion. Doing it for anyone else or any other reason is pointless and won’t motivate you. I started going to the (same) gym last May after walking past a store window, catching my own reflection and thinking, “Hey, I know those guys.” A trip to the doctor confirmed my weight gain. I see all the same gym bunnies (and steam room cruisers, but that’s a whole nother story) and pay them no mind. It’s about getting me where I want to be.
Work! I am loving the Yoga Journal Yoga DVDs. They have really been helping me get in better shape. Plus, waking up to Rodney Yee in a black bikini is a good thing, ya know?
Also, who is that in that yellow bikini trunks looking hot? I want trunks cut like that for this coming season…