There's an ongoing conversation I'm having, with several friends, about my belief about what comes to us in life. I want to believe that the universe gives us exactly what we need, so much so that every truly good thing we experience is put aside especially for us, untouchable by anyone else. My premise is that, if I could focus on that, my perspective wouldn't be as centered in this core of overwhelming loss - the same loss I feel whenever I see Black nannies wheeling their white charges around the Upper East or West Sides, whenever I hear gospel music and consider The Black Church's hatred of its gay parishoners who aren't on the DL, whenever I see Black and white gay couples (whether or not they are actually coupled) walking down any street (but especially in Chelsea, the Village or Harlem), whenever I hear so many Black and Latino youth refer to their peers as "my nigga" seemingly without any thought or analysis, whenever I speak to a recruiter and they say "Send me your resume and I'll get back to you if there's anything available." or whenever I see any white person coopt Blackness in any form - hairstyle, dress, music, dance, language, art, etc. I come back, time and time again, to that same chasm of loss, that feeling that something is being taken away from me AGAIN, and I don't want to see the world through that. I don't want MY world to be contained by that.
It's funny how I only seem to focus on this when I feel like I have nothing.
The truth, though, is much more complicated than that. The other day, I was hungry, beating the pavement around East 96th Street, feeling really down and out, but I wondered "How destitute can I be if I walk the streets with a digital camera and a laptop?" These are just things, true, but having them reminded me how I acquired them, and why. I thought of the work I've done and the pictures I've taken of friends; the sadness of hard luck seemed to lift, a bit.
Yesterday afternoon, Philippe and I enjoyed a lively panel discussion on Richard Bruce Nugent, held fittingly at the Schomburg Center's Langston Hughes Auditorium. I found what at the time seemed like striking similarities between us, 'Bruce' and me:
- comfortable with sexual identity
- cluttered homes
- artistic expressions in a variety of media
- polyglots
- belief in language's elegant eloquence
- relatively penniless
- surround ourselves with great people
- passive aggressive, at times
- fed by friends
- penchant for danger
- quite horny and expressive about sex
Now, I hesitate to add could care less about what people think because, although I might not let what other people think be a decisive factor in choosing what I do, I can't say that I don't sometimes wonder about their thoughts. However, we would probably be more in agreement than not if I further define 'people' to mean 'people who do not know me and who I do not know' ...
Alas, we are probably more different than we are alike. For example, I couldn't imagine 'Bruce' fumbling an introduction to Samuel Delany. After waiting my turn, seeing a couple of white gay men gush at meeting him and recount stories of having written to him back in the 70s, I then say, after some pause and almost apologetically, "You know, I have not read one book you've written." We were shaking hands, quickly, and he said something like "Oh, well, that's not a fault ..." It truly could not have been a dance - just one big stumble in an attempt to connect with this great Black gay writer. So much for 'elegant eloquence' ... but I know I'll probably meet him again. After it was over (we're talking seconds), I was like "You dummy, you don't have to read his goddamn books just to relate to him." True, but where do you start? I mean, what if you met Oprah, knew that she had this gigantic presence in American television, but never watched one show or saw any of her performances. Something innocuous like "Great hair!"?? I get the sense that 'Bruce' would have known exactly what to do and say, possessing obviously great social skills as he did. That and quite a fair amount of attractiveness ...
owing to the out of body experience, induced by the train ride from dc, and the rush of thoughts flowing listening to the words on sunday, i kept my peace and said nothing to the panel or the assemblage…
anyway, i babble… i so wanted to go up to delaney afterwards and ask him sooo many questions, but i got stuck - how dare i - having read not one of his books….
anyway… glad you at least made that connection…
as for the first part of the post, all that we need comes to us when we need it the most….
that does not stop the endless questions and debate as to the imponderables….
WAIT..WHERE you see Samuel Delany? and you didnt even call me?
do you know that I WORSHIP the ground that this man walks on? he and octavia butler are TWO of the FEW REASONS why i put pen to paper and struggle to write…
ooh..i shoulda smacked you over the weekend…scandalous! you are scandalous for not letting me know you were going to see himmm….
sucks teeth and backs away from the computer :)
but i can give you some titles of delany’s work if you want to get a feel for who he is as an author donald..let me know.
Ryan
i got a couple of books i want to send to you. they’re all about what you’re talking about with the universe and getting what we need as opposed to what we want. i should probably hook up with you and give them to you in person. hmmm…
we’ll see.
and though i’ve been mad swamped and busy as of late, i didn’t forget about what i said i’d do , checking out that document and reaching out to some folks who might be able to get you into some permalance.