I noticed on the way home today how beautifully dark green the trees were. Walking past the LIRR, I imagined more of them, waiting somewhere. I really don't know why I let myself get overwhelmed with so much stuff, obligating myself to do so much, but today I think I figured something out. Yeah, I need a break - that's a given. A good, long break where I don't have to worry about anything, no doctors, no servers. Nothing. I am going to create that for myself. As I type this, I know it's not really the work, especially if it's stuff that I enjoy. However, I do see a trend in stuff not getting done - it's me not giving myself what I need.
Here's one scenario last night that I'll share: I'm looking at the design and/or maintenance of seven websites - some from the ground up - at least one, my very own. Most I haven't given the time of day for months now. I'm flipping project folders around because my external hard drive on my desktop is failing when I hoped it would hold out until I installed some new storage up in she. I know that rent is past due while also knowing that this needs to become the studio of an artist like it's never been before. I've been robbing Peter to pay Paul - and not Con Edison. In sex, I think that's what they call edging, right, because there's another check coming, right, as long as I can get some semblance of myself to show up. I can't afford to stop working now and the thing I'm working for most is intimidating the fuck out of me. To even take this camera out of the bag has required so much energy when the tank is already depleted. Plus, I don't know if I even have anything to say with it, or with anything. And it's hot as hell. And, as time goes by, I'm sweltering in the heat underneath this hot-ass Powerbook because I can't find the strength to put the fan in the window and turn it on.
Okay, the moaning will cease, for now. (Maybe I should do that more often, like, with a phone?) There's some really REALLY good stuff in the midst. I was thinking last night about being created to create gods that I could never satisfy. And who laugh at my very confusion and peril! I was thinking of how cruel it is to give someone like me things like creativity, love, sex and keep them forever at bay, on the periphery. I wondered about my sanity for a moment, then I thought "That's some shit." I know what I have to do; it's to only begin. That's all. Here we go again, love. This is an old fan, but it makes a cool breeze. I can sleep and, if I wake up tomorrow, I can take it from there.
Moaning is good. At least we know what the Anzi is up to, right? It’s a hot summer, and it’s sweating time, both externally and internally. Sweat it out. Sweat it out. Sweat it OUT!
funny, i had the strange idea that u was a real neat freak..like no laundry lying about..but what seems is not what is..any how..