I’m getting used to it.
]]>This might just be the thing that inspires me to get back to it …
]]>
I’m getting used to it.
]]>
You want to call yourself a ‘global citizen’ but Buju, what’s happening at home? And how much are you responsible for that?
I can not rest.
]]>No, I don’t want to be an activist anymore either. There are many other ways that I’d rather be spending my time and energy, too.
For instance, I want to take even more beautiful pictures and exhibit them in galleries and museums all around the world. I want to spin house music and classics at parties that exist wherever we are and help people feel a higher high, a spiritual love through dance. I want spend lots of time with my nieces and nephews (and perhaps my own children, someday), teaching them everything that I know and encouraging them to be their own personal best. I want to continue to define and redefine my own personal best and strive toward that vision. I want to luxuriate in the fruits of my labor and revel in my own self-actualization, too.
]]> I will accomplish all of those goals and more or I will die trying. However, today I live in a world that continues to murder people like me - people like you and me - just because we exist. Today I live in a world where too many of us are begging for our lives while the camera is rolling. Today I live in a world where too many of us are bumping and grinding against each other to songs that advocate our murder. Today I do not live in a world that is either post-poverty or post-racism or post-sexism or post-homophobia or post-HIV/AIDS, so my presence is required.It has often been said that to whom much is given, much is required. I am typing this on a laptop that’s sitting on an icepack to keep it from overheating. My Internet connection usually is not. There are better web developers and people who know much more about the Web than I do. However, there are also people who could not pay me to produce the website that I produced for you. No, I do not have a lot, but that has been enough to make a difference.
No, I don’t want to be an activist anymore either, Keith, but take a look around. I know what I have to offer and I know that this world requires it of me. If we are ever to become a world that is post-poverty, post-racism, post-sexism, post-homophobia and post-HIV/AIDS, it will be because our best people showed up and continued to show up to contribute their best in spite of the personal sacrifice of their own lives.
Donald Andrew Agarrat
]]>
I have food
I can’t eat
I can’t sleep
I’ve tried to sleep
I can’t sleep
I have to sleep
I need my rest
but I can not rest
yet.
They say it’s presumptuous
to call yourself an artist
or to call yourself brilliant
but I am an artist
and I am one
of the most brilliant people that I know.
That’s why I can’t sleep.
I can’t sleep when I know
that I can make a difference
that I have made a difference
that I can make more of a difference.
I can’t sleep when I know
he’s performing tonight
at fucking Madison Square Garden
while somewhere in another square
someone is begging for help
someone is begging to be saved
someone is begging for her life
someone like me.
I’ve been bashed, too
but we go on.
I haven’t slept much
I don’t like the way I look
I need a haircut
and a shave
and a job
and to clean my house
I am furious
I am shaking as I type this
I don’t like the way I feel
but we go on.
I still want to do my best.
]]> I’ve asked for helpI’ve asked Ajamu X, Rosie O’Donnell,
John Amaechi, Staceyann Chin, Earl Fowlkes
and Clarence Patton
I’ve received no response
I’ve asked Thomas Glave
who personally told me his own story
of barely escaping Jamaica with his life
I’ve received no response
I’m going to keep on asking
and checking my email
for a response.
I asked Tokes Osubu
and he responded immediately
and participated
I asked Colin Robinson
and he responded
for the most part
by giving me the runaround
I asked Larry Lyons
because parts of Rashawn Brazell’s body
are still out there, somewhere
and he responded
but could not participate
being a student
at the end of the semester
I asked Kenyon Farrow
another student
at the end of the semester
and he responded immediately
and participated.
And we go on.
It truly is time
to separate the wheat
from the tares.
It was warm yesterday
but it is cold right now
and I am going back to sleep.
However, the purpose of this particular entry is not to talk about the specifics of that.
I’m writing this at around 4am on Saturday morning. Yesterday I spent most of the day emailing and calling people that I know personally in my community in the hope of garnering a response greater than any that I could undertake by myself. I did not leave Harlem. I started out by making a deposit at my bank to fund my domain renewal and my upcoming global telecommunications. I walked over to Halal Roti Plus (one of the sponsors) in an attempt to engage in a productive dialogue with owner Don Grant. When I arrived, I was greeted with the same poster that I’d previously seen around Harlem promoting tomorrow’s event, but Mr. Grant was away at a doctor’s visit and was not available for comment. I crossed the street to inquire about community relations at the Amsterdam News. I walked back down 125th Street past the Apollo Theater to the Harlem State Building. About a month ago, I ran into the wife of State Senator Bill Perkins at a local restaurant and she encouraged me to physically go and remind the Senator’s chief of staff of some photos I’d taken of them during an event he sponsored this past February in celebration of Black Style Now and Fashion Week. I did just that. His chief of staff gave me her business card as she was leaving the building with the Senator. I took the opportunity also to tell them about Buju’s upcoming performance (and our Internet-based response); she hadn’t heard anything about it and actually thought he wasn’t performing anymore. We continued walking east on 125th Street and relayed to them as much as I could before going back home to organize a bit more. At the end of the day, I ended up conferencing with Tokes Osubu, executive director of Gay Men of African Descent for my podcast. We accomplished that, however, we both agreed that the need is ultimately so much greater than a response to Buju’s latest machinations or to any specific crisis.
It is time, to coin a biblical phrase, to separate the wheat from the tares.
]]> It is now almost 5:30am on Saturday morning. I have been unemployed since December 2005. The results of my last blood draw show that, while my HIV is undetectable, I have about 80 CD4 T-cells/microliter, up from about 40 in December. That makes me officially a Person with AIDS, even though I’ve never had any opportunistic infections. Honestly, this in an of itself is not a main source of concern or worry for me; we all eventually die. Still, I take pretty good care of myself and plan to be here for a while.I have known my seropositive status since I was 25 years old. Since then, I have served on GMAD’s board of directors. I am also one of the founders of Black Pride in New York City, back when it began as it should be: as a coalition of Black LGBT organizations throughout the city. I created GMAD’s first website and eventually created keithboykin.com for its namesake. I’d like to think that I’ve inspired many other Black gay men to start their own blogs as well, even though my own connection to the Internet has been sporadic.
My point is this: we can not effect the thorough continuous change necessary if, when faced with crisis, we have to stop to reinvent the wheel. There will be more crises in our future and many of us will die. We Black LGBT people must develop our own protocols, our own deliverables and our own infrastructures, locally and globally. It is so obvious that our very lives depend on it. Yes, we have some non-profit organizations, but ultimately they do not work. Why? Because as I type this, they all have budgetary constrains dictated by the Centers of Disease Control because of our population of people with HIV.
We have always had other concerns and worries besides HIV/AIDS. I don’t say that to diminish the significance of HIV in our communities, rather, to augment the significance of our communities regardless of HIV. For too long our non-profit organizations have been forced to try to connect the gamut of our needs to HIV in order to receive funding and our reliance upon that has to end. How?
Before I propose a possible answer, let me ask another question: what happens if a cure for HIV is found tomorrow? Our Black LGBT non-profit organizations would cease to exist as they currently are. (And, yes, that would include many of our so-called “pride events” …)
Our communities must come first. There are those who have taken advantage of our communities and our organizations primarily for their own personal gain. Ultimately, that lack of commitment and that lack of vision will be our demise - not HIV/AIDS. For example, many of our organizations are weighed down with members of boards of directors who have no idea how to raise the funds that we need to keep our organizations staffed much less to develop creative ideas of how to best serve the communities they purport to serve or to cultivate the talent that will one day replace them … and that’s just one example.
Again, it is time for us to separate the wheat from the tares. It is time for us to recommit ourselves - our living rooms, our businesses, our skills, our talents, our time and our money - back to our communities. The time is right now.
Actually, the time is about 7:15am right now. I’m going to go work on this podcast. Thanks for listening.
]]>
You’ll find links to those and more of my favorites after the jump.
]]> Cherry Cheesecake
Granny Smith Apple
Basil Lemonade
Caipirinha
Haint Windowsill
Insalata Caprese
Mint Chocolate Caramel
Pink Lemonade
Red Velvet Cake
Ryvale Lily
The Root Of All Evil
Hungry? *LOL!*
]]>
I attended John Amaechi’s booksigning last night, held at the Barnes and Noble on Astor Place. It looks like it’s the last date of his HRC-sponsored book tour.
As I mentioned to a good friend later that evening, a man like him really reminds me of how much I want a husband. No, he doesn’t have to have all the answers (although I hope to pose some good questions to Mr. Amaechi to coincide with the resurrection of my podcast) and no, he doesn’t have to be a 6’10” ex-NBA player, but yes, there has to be a certain dynamism and humility. To hear John question his own psychological process in front of a room full of adoring customers reminded me of that. I would not call it fearlessness or even overcoming fear. I think it’s putting fear into perspective and seeing that the moments we have to connect are opportunities far greater than fear.
]]>It is frightening how applicable this notion is to so many aspects of my life right now. It makes so many things seem so clear.
]]>Life has shown me that there are people out there who really don’t give a shit about me and sometimes it has even been gracious enough to name names - sometimes in bold and underline. I run into these people and they mention reading my blog and relaying what they read as if they’re doing me a favor for the couple of strained moments that we have to exist in the world together. Usually I’m nice about it, questioning their interest and smiling through wishing for the moment to end right along with them so we can each return to our requisite corners of the world as quickly as possible. Sometimes, I cross the street.
]]> The day before Valentine’s Day, I began an entry that attempted to relate luck to love. The definition of luck I used is the one Oprah agrees with: luck being the moment when preparation meets opportunity. I rambled on for a while with every intention to post that bit of irony, but I choose not to. I know it would have been interesting reading for someone, those who have love for me and those who do not, but I’ve grown tired of the performative aspects of blogging. Really exhausted. Maybe I’m depressed, maybe it’s this fucked-up weather in this fucked-up world that’s depressing me - I really don’t know, but I can’t help but wonder how nice it would be to disappear and not care about any of this.I can’t disappear. If life was different, perhaps I’d be a professional blogger, blogging about things that were maybe a little less internal and easier to relate to a wider, less-connected audience. That’s just one guess. The focus of my personal blog has been not to have any one focus. Some visitors care more about my way with words, others care more about the code. Others find value in the links I provide, still others just want to know that I’m okay. It’s all indexed by Google: pain, hope, confusion, lust, frustration, loneliness - all of it. Well, most of it. Definitely more than most.
People have disappeared from my life. There are friends who I call every now, when and because I can, and there are those I call more often. And then there are those who have disappeared almost completely without a trace, leaving only a photo or a note scribbled down as proof that we once existed in this world together. Two of these are men that I loved, each in their own way. One was a friend from high school. Originally from Winnipeg, we both shared a intense love of music. I remember his full pink lips, bushy eyebrows and his early attempts at taming that hair into hightop fades. I always looked forward to losing at Truth or Dare. I still know his full name. The other was more simple and required no childish games. He had a father - internationally renowned in jazz circles - who died without ever having claimed him as his son. He was so tall and, once upon a time, he loved me. He was one of the few men I’ve actually slept with; his broad chest, the perfect pillow. I saw so much of myself in both of these men; I remember their relationships with their mothers. They are gone. I’ve been wondering what life could have been like had we loved each other just a little bit longer, but they are gone. I’ve gone, too - off in my own direction.
The older I get, the more I understand the value of mystery and see it as practice for my final disappearing act. Sure, people are different, but most are mysterious because they wish to remain unknown. They don’t want to be found or found out. Sometimes, it’s about secrecy and not wanting lies to add up, sure - but not always. I think I’m just beginning to see the difference between secrets and mystery. Secrets are things that you obviously don’t want everyone to know, but mystery seems more like life. I am a mystery to someone else on the other side of the world, not necessarily a secret. I was born over 37 years ago and have serious doubts that I’ll see another 37. Not to rush the inevitable, mind you - I’m still hoping to stride into the home stretch with a lot more purpose and love - but there are years that might come after I’m gone. I don’t know; that’s not mine to measure. I still want to make the best of what I do have right now.
]]>
from l-r: cultural icon Geoffrey Holder, Harlem historian and preservationist Michael Henry Adams, choreographer Mercedes Ellington (and granddaughter of Duke Ellington), noted Harlem real estate agent Lana Turner and grandson, milliner Willard Winter and Quinntin Phelps, Global Beauty Expert for Bergdorf Goodman
]]> This panel was a public program in conjunction with Black Style Now, an exhibit curated by Michael Henry Adams (author of Harlem: Lost and Found and Style and Grace) and designer Michael McCollum (who was not present) at the City Museum of New York that ends on February 19. Michael showed up 40 minutes late and that really did not help matters. Geoffrey Holder was not pleased, but added an effervescence and a sense of style and history that was not to be missed.Michael had some questions prepared for the panel, but his tardiness and general extemporaneous manner didn’t really provide the structure that this conversation so desperately needed and deserved. And Bergdorf Goodman’s Global Beauty Expert certainly gets points deducted for not being able to name even ONE influential Black fashion designer. Well, at least he mentioned Sammy Davis, Jr. earlier, who I’m sure provided at the very least a partial inspiration for the outfit he wore. Perhaps he would have been well served by a copy of Lloyd Boston’s great book, Men of Color: Fashion, History and Fundamentals. For posterity, I’d like to name some men that I personally regard as vanguards of Black style: Ozwald Boateng, esteemed panelist Geoffrey Holder (whom I adore, get his book, too), Vogue magazine’s Editor at Large André Leon Talley, Quincy Jones, Renauld White, Moshood, Nat King Cole, Willi Smith, Patrick Kelly, Jason Olive, Billy Eckstine, Dennis Rodman, Lenny Kravitz and last but certainly not least, Prince.
]]>Maxwell’s Black Summer’s Night
Whatever Anil Dash is up to in New York
More nieces and nephews!
Lots of Skype WiFi phones
Betty Black’s Sunbathing In Black
superfast ultra broadband Internet access
New flash unit (probably this one)
Finally rebooting!
]]>How about photography and video? Digital cameras didn’t seem to get much cheaper (even the cheap ones are about $200), but Flickr got bought by Yahoo! probably for many of the reasons Google bought Blogger. A free tier of service (which, for most people, is probably just like its Pro tier), a great interface and millions of users. Photos are content, true, but try Flickr’s Camera Finder and tell me that Yahoo! isn’t trying to sell its users those cameras. And while Google didn’t (try to? want to? need to?) buy Flickr, but they sure did buy YouTube, even if it meant partially cannibalizing repurposing its own Google Video service. Both services allow uploads of user-created video, but YouTube wins for its interface and user base. And Hollywood snuggled up rather quickly, probably hoping for some of that iTunes halo effect to rub off.
Yes, iTunes, that free program that Apple develops for OS X and Windows which makes it so easy to download music into those shiny new iPods that are all the rage. A little different than the previous examples because of limited user-created content, true, but who ever thought Apple would be considered the leader of ANY market sector, much less that of digital music download sales AND digital music player sales?
And telephony anyone? Yes, I can hear you loud and clearly with my Skype account. Again, a free user-to-user tier of service, a pretty decent interface, millions of users - snatched up by eBay. It will be interesting to see how Skype phones develop into its own marketplace and work with celphones from the definitely-not-free mobile providers - and how eBay will take advantage of it.
Last in this abbreviated and incomplete list, but certainly not least, we turn to Google. Gmail is a revolution in free Web-based email; I’m sure Google Calendar isn’t too far behind. Consider that Google folds these two services along with Google Docs and Spreadsheets (free basic Microsoft Word-compatible word processing and Microsoft Excel-compatible spreadsheet software along with a pretty transparent layer of collaboration) to provide - voila! - Google Apps for Your Domain. All for free. And all connected to each other (thanks to the affinity of Gmail contacts) and to Google’s bottom line - its world-class search application. Sure, Google probably wants to sell some Minis and Search Appliances, but they know that the future of technology for the masses is free. And simmering over at Google Labs is a delicious stew of other great services like Google Reader, Google Bookmarks and Google Notebook just waiting to be added to the menu. No doubt about it - Google wants to be Your Operating System.
What do all of these free services have in common, besides working wonderfully in and/or with Firefox, that revolutionary web browser (and another great example of free software - just ask Google)? Okay, yes, they also require broadband Internet access and computer access and electricity, but besides that, I’d say they are similar in at least three important ways:
Every single one of the applications mentioned above are best in class due to its developers’ commitment to design and usability. People want to use applications that are intuitive and that look great. And people want to use their applications together (and sometimes with other people who might use other applications) without sacrificing any ease of use or the security of their personal information. We want it to work, work well and work every time. If not, we want you to roll out the red carpet to tell us why not and when we can expect it to work again. More often than not, adhering to web standards makes interconnecting APIs possible and easy for developers, but most of us don’t care HOW it works - we just want it TO work. And fast! People don’t mind paying for a great service, but we really want it for free.
Every single one of these applications is tied to a tangible product, either by creation or consumption, or both, but not the other way around. People read blogs, making them tangible products in and of themselves. And people have opinions about what they read. The very ability to sound off is also a tangible product because it is another mode of communication. People shoot pictures with cameras, celphones and laptops. Sometimes they like to share them with other people. And sometimes, people want to print those pictures. Or email them. People like to listen to music and sometimes like talking to other people. With celphones. Or not. People like to watch video on their iPods. Or their laptops. Or their TVs. Or not. People want the content they create/consume to be relatively easy to untether to whatever application they happened to use whenever they see fit. Online or offline. Keep your app interesting and on top of things and that might be never. Or not. Watch how convergence shows up and plays its expected role in all of this. Makes for interesting bedfellows, to say the least …
Each application realizes that, ultimately, you have paid (or will pay) for something. That old adage “You get what you pay for.” just doesn’t apply everywhere anymore. If you don’t want an iPod, buy a cheap USB mp3 player keychain instead. You can still use it with iTunes and your CD collection. Sure, maybe not as instantaneously as you could with an iPod, but you can with relative ease. Maybe you own a computer and want to upload your newest photos from your new camera to Flickr and then post blog entries about them to your Vox account? Or maybe you don’t own a computer at all? Still, you can’t underestimate the value of your personal data. Good software developers use this data to make their applications better. Satisfied with your city’s municipal Wi-Fi? Great, buy some more RAM or hard drive space, instead. Or a much larger (and now much cheaper) LCD monitor. Satisfied with the clarity of Gizmo Project or Skype and are always near free Wi-Fi? Get rid of your mobile provider altogether and get a Wi-Fi phone! Although most people will opt for some amalgamation of both free VoIP and paid WAP services, but it’s coming. And it’ll eventually be much cheaper to buy those phones. The point is that the cost for all of this stuff is coming down quickly. There will always be a supply and demand for luxury technology items just like there are luxury cars, but it doesn’t take luxury for most of us to get the job done, to get it done well and to get it done efficiently without burning even more of our planet’s resources. Or maybe our civilization is about to redefine what it means to be luxurious by erasing the implications of inaccessibility and exclusivity? I think Simon agrees with me, too.